New Year's Resolution
This year I made my New Year's Resolution...
To finish everything I sta...
Bring What You Can CarryOnce there was an old rich man who was afraid of dying and leaving all his wealth behind on earth. So, he took up the matter with God. He pleaded day and night to be able to take all his earthly possessions with him. Finally, God conceded. He said the man could take as much as he could fit in one suitcase. The old man immediately went out, bought a huge suitcase, sold all he owned and filled the suitcase with gold bars. Shortly after that, the old man died. Awkwardly dragging the big, heavy suitcase, he approached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stopped him, asked him to open his luggage, and then told him he couldn't bring his gold bars into Heaven. The man was irate. "You don't understand," he said. "I got permission directly from God himself for this. He told me whatever I could fit into one suitcase, I could bring with me."St. Peter, shrugged his shoulders and simply said, "Fine with me. But we've already got plenty of pavement here."
Golf Balls Are Like Eggs
Golf balls are like eggs...
They are both white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to go out and buy more.
The Wrong Last Rites"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age."Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every Friday night I listen to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man, and says in a solemn voice:"B - 4. I - 19. N - 38. G - 54. O - 72."
FLEX WORDLEGuess the WORDLE in 3 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
My mate recently got divorced from his wife.
They decided to split the house.
He got the outside.
Flea for Your LifeA father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his life and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”His son asked, “But what happened to the flea?”
Shipwrecked on an IslandTwo men were shipwrecked near an island. When they landed ashore, one of them began screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"The second man leaned calmly against a palm tree. When the first man saw how calm his friend was, he went crazy and shouted, "Don't you understand?! We're going to die!!"Undisturbed, the second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."Dumbfounded, the first man looked at him and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. Wherever I am, my pastor will be sure to find me!"
Just CheckingA 5-year-old said grace at a family dinner one night. “Dear God, thank you for these pancakes.”When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken.He smiled and said, “I thought I’d see if he was paying attention tonight.”
The definition of a "gimme" in golf can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...
Neither of whom can putt very well.
Bitten By A Wolf
An emergency call: "Come quick, my friend was bitten by a wolf!"
Caller: "No, a regular one!"
What Do You Get When ...What do you get when you cross a Buddhist and a Druid? Someone who worships the tree that is not there.
Waiting for the Echo
A man climbs up to the top of a mountain. He shouts "I love you!" and waits for the echo.
The echo comes replies, "I have a boyfriend!"
Entrance ExamA Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?" The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserve to enter Heaven.""OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: "How do you spell God?" It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate.Next came the Muslim, who says, "I did not do any especially good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven." The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Allah?" The Muslim passes the test and enters Heaven.Finally, it is the Buddhist's turn. He tells the Angel, "I've done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five precepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers." The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in." Thinking that the test should be simple, the Buddhist happily agrees. The Angel then asks him: "How do you spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"
Riding Sky High
Life is like a helicopter.
I don't know how to operate a helicopter.
I Will Never Lie To You
Boyfriend: I will never lie to you, dear.
Girlfriend: How sweet!
Boyfriend: Now you tell me a lie.
Don't get involved withDon't get involved with a barking canine; it's a guaranteed booin' doggle.
The Designated Canine
While taking their dog on a road trip, a family carries his drinking water in a gin bottle. On one occasion they stopped for lunch and let him out of the car. Pouring some water from the bottle into his bowl, the husband noticed a man watching with fascination.
The man slowly approached the family and whispered, "I hope that you're not going to let that dog drive!"
If a proctologist smells well,If a proctologist smells well, it's because he wears expensive colon. As for urologists, they prefer eau de toilette.
Pagan WivesQ: Why do pagan girls make the best wives?A: Because they will worship the ground you walk on.
When We Go To Egypt
My girlfriend just asked me, "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?"
I said, "As you wish," and booked it for her. She's going tomorrow...
I'm leaving in three weeks and flying there!