I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?" I asked.
The waitress responded proudly, "I'm self-absorbed."
20 more of 2020 Halloween Jokes
Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria.
Q: What part of the street do vampires live on?
A: The dead end.
Q: What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter?
Q: What can you say about a horrible mummy joke?
A: It Sphinx!
Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?
A: Count Spatula.
Q: What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred?
Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?
Q: What’s a zombie’s favorite cereal?
A: Rice Creepies.
Q: Where do ghosts go on holidays?
A: The Boohamas.
Q: What did one ghost say to the other?
A: Get a life!
Q: What did the fisherman say on Halloween?
A: Trick or trout. How do ghosts search the
A: They use ghoul-gle.
Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence.
Q: Who do monsters buy cookies from?
A: Ghoul scouts.
Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
A: Because there are so many plots there!
Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
A: Because they just had their brains scooped out!
Q: Where is the best place to party on Halloween?
A: The g-RAVE-yard.
Q: Why did the baby wrap itself in white cloth strips?
A: It was just trying to be just like its mummy.
Q: Why do ghosts like to hang out at bars?
A: Because all of the Boos.
Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.
FLEX NERDLEGuess the NERDLE in 6 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
18 new Halloween jokes from 2020
Q: Where do ghosts buy their Halloween candy?
A: At the ghost-ery store!
Q: What do owls say when they go trick or treating?
A: Happy Owl-ween!
Q: What do ghosts give out to trick or treaters?
Q: Who did Frankenstein go trick or treating with?
A: His ghoul friend.
Q: What Halloween candy is never on time for the party?
Q: Which type of pants do ghosts wear to trick or treat?
A: Boo jeans.
Q: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?
A: You never know which witch is which!
Q: What monster plays tricks on Halloween?
Q: What fruit do scarecrows love the most?
Q: What does a witch use to do her hair?
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.
Q:How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: A pumpkin patch.
Q: Why don’t vampires have more friends?
A: Because they are a pain in the neck.
Q: What position does a ghost play in hockey?
Q: What do you give a vampire when he’s sick?
Q: What is a ghost's nose full of?
Q: Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is?
A: People are just dying to get in.
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept.
22 Fresh Halloween jokes for 2020
Q: Why do ghosts go on diets?
A: So they can keep their ghoulish figures
Q: What does a panda ghost eat?
Q: Why don’t mummies take time off?
A: They’re afraid to unwind.
Q: Why did the zombie skip school?
A: He felt rotten.
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A blood orange.
Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Dayscare centers!
Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life.
Q: What kind of music do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
A: Wrap music.
Q: Why don’t mummies have friends?
A: Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.
Q: Why did the vampire read the newspaper?
A: He heard it had great circulation.
Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.
Q: What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A: A grave problem.
Q: What do you call a cleaning skeleton?
A: The grim sweeper. Q:
Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath.
Q: What do you call a witch’s garage?
A: A broom closet.
Q: What kind of food would you find on a haunted beach?
A: A sand-witch!
Q: What's a witch's favorite makeup?
Q: Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road safely?
A: The crossing gourd.
Q: What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween?
A: Candy corneas.
Q: What type of plants do well on all Hallow’s Eve?
Q: Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
A: Because they have no-body to go with.
13 Thanksgiving Jokes and Quotes
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence.” — Erma Bombeck
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” — Irv Kupcinet
“Growing up, Christmas was always about me, and eventually you, when I finally started to enjoy the giving part. But Thanksgiving is always about us.” — Rosecrans Baldwin
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes ... but I told them I couldn't quit "cold turkey.”
“Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.” — Oprah Winfrey
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What does Thanksgiving have in common with Halloween? Gobble-ins!
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
Why did the turkey play the drums in his band? Because he already had drum sticks!
“If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get.” — Frank A. Clark
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
“Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg.” - Tom Swyers
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” - Robert Brault